Ann McFeatters: Holiday shopping for America's political leaders
Summary: Thus, it is time to put grievances aside and do our annual virtual shopping for the politicians who have failed us so abysmally this year. And a few who have even done their jobs.
The winter avalanche has arrived. All those holiday catalog vying for space with bills in our mailboxes.
Thus, it is time to put grievances aside and do our annual virtual shopping for the politicians who have failed us so abysmally this year. And a few who have even done their jobs.
Consider poor Mike Pence. Standing patiently all these years slightly behind Donald Trump while waiting to run for president himself in 2024. And now! Trump threatens to run again! Pence has become the invisible man.
So we think Pence should receive the World’s Smallest Voice Changer. Sold by the Spilsbury catalogue for only $12.99, “you say your favorite phrases in riotous new ways.” Such as “I’d like to thank the president on behalf of all the people of the world for being the most remarkable, handsome, visionary on the planet.” “Isn’t that right, boss.”
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi, who almost single-handedly upheld the Democratic Party for four years, is adept at moving about in the Emerald City of Oz. She should be good at handling Plow and Hearth’s $16.95 Flingshot Flying Monkeys. “Slip your fingertips into their little mitts, pull back like a slingshot, let fly and listen as they screech through the air.” Said Patricia, “Hilarious. I believe the adults had more fun than the kids.”
And how about that William Barr, the most sycophantic attorney general in U.S. history. Lost his straight-shooter reputation. Did Trump’s bidding to the nth degree day and night. And then he says one thing — there is no evidence of fraud that would change the election results—and he’s on the outs!
Barr needs a new outlet that does not involve interacting with people such as Trump supporters disappointed with him and everyone else who thinks he sold his soul. Sharper Image has a Jellyfish Aquarium for $99.99 that “showcases three lifelike rubber jellyfish that float and sway in a mesmerizing fashion. Toggle through five different color modes for a relaxing, eye-catching experience.” Might keep Barr out of trouble for a while. Or not.
Vice President-elect Kamala Harris plans on changing the world. To help her get started, she needs the Heifer International catalogue’s Gift Ark for $5,000. It provides families with needed animals, including two cows, two sheep, two oxen, two water buffalo, two pigs, two beehives, two goats, a community animal vet kit, two trios of ducks, two trios of rabbits, two trios of guinea pigs, two flocks of geese, two flock of chicks, two alpacas and two schools of fish. Truly a gift that keeps on giving in so many ways.
Personal presidential lawyer Rudy Giuliani needs help. He mightily embarrassed himself when attacking the legitimacy of the most secure and fair election in U.S. history while his hair dye dribbled down his face. This after a press conference at a lawn care warehouse between a crematorium and a porn store.
In lieu of a lifetime supply of voice-muzzling masks, he should receive Sharper Image’s 10X lighted folding travel mirror so perfectly portable “you won’t need your glasses to get a great view.” It never needs charging and folds flat for your pocket.
Washington’s most powerful man, decade after decade, has been Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell who has labored mightily to produce … nothing other than tax cuts for the wealthy and judges passionately interested in what goes on in our bedrooms.
We have selected for him Hammacher Schlemmer’s $69.95 indoor flameless electric marshmallow roaster. Chocolate, graham crackers, marshmallows not included. Absolutely pointless, much like McConnell.
We can all agree the most daunting job in 2021 is going to be Joe Biden’s. We toyed with an automatic machine that throws balls to dogs, which might keep the incoming president from getting more hairline foot fractures.
But we are going with a collection of T-shirts from Bits and Pieces, for $17.99 each. These include: “The Sermonator.” “Let’s assume I’m right. It’ll save time.” “I may be wrong, but it’s highly unlikely.” “Don’t worry. I can fix it.” “I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand for you.” “Just be happy I’m not a twin.”
As for multimillionaire siblings and White House advisers Ivanka, Eric, Donald Jr. and Jared Kushner? Without Demanding Daddy just down the hall, we propose a $179.99 “lifelike interactive pet” from Sharper Image for the Trump kids. “The cute and cuddly companion for older adults … without the care or feeding of a real pet.” But actually? Anything other than all-purpose pardons.
Ann McFeatters is an op-ed columnist for Tribune News Service. Readers may send her email at email@example.com .
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